So I have been pretty open about my personal struggles through out my life with friends,  family members, my blog, however, not completely with my immediate family,  it has been a work in progress..  I know my sadness  started back when I was a kid, and it was shoved deep down. I have shared in earlier post about some of this ,I was aware that I wanted things to be nicer, to see and feel different.  I am the oldest of my three siblings , This is my version, what I internalized and decoded.

For some reason growing up I was not as close to my family as I would have like to have been, We were close, however, there was this invisible heartfelt difference between my family and I, I felt different or made to feel different, like my  personality, way of being me, was not completely acceptable.  I have mentioned before in earlier post that I was called an airhead, I would shut down conversations as soon as I heard and felt the ugliness being spoken, an unfriendly, unkind tone.I would just stop conversing abruptly and not respond to the ugly tone directed at me. As a kid you do not name it, label it, you just feel it in your heart, a sadness.   I had a great family, however there was a lot of negativity, people/adults tend to continue their negative ways, thinking the other person or other people are going to fix the situation, however, if a child is born into a team, the coaches have to participate and help their fellow players. Parents need to see themselves as life coaches, if you want a loving, supporting team/children, players, behaved players well show them, guide them,  to becoming, behaving their way into the family team.they were put in.  No one can put anothers intentions, actions into the world, one has to do it him or herself.  I understand children because I was a child , that child who was  powerless against the adults, my parents. Children react to their parents reaction, so if a parent is speaking ugly, the child will speak or react ugly.  Children are innocent, vulnerable, they are completely dependent on their parents/adults, for at least the first 15 years of their lives.  When you have a child, it is your responsibility to be the best, do the best, to show and make a child feel love, and to be seen and heard, no matter their age.. So because I felt my self being ridiculed, not acceptable, made to feel there was something wrong with me, I retreated. I put a gate around my heart..  As a young child I did not have the tools, or knew about any tools yet in my tool box, to make changes.  Back then, being smaller in a world of giants, I did not have power, or was not on the  same playing field to request or make those changes.

So about 5 years ago I started to see and feel that my sadness started to take a toll on me physically and mentally.( It was a familiar feeling that was in a pit inside of me that came back louder)  I had my boyfriend in my life, and things were just not working the way they should feel, and be, I had a job doing landscaping where it was male dominated, I was constantly defending my abilities or proving them , these were two of the many things tugging at my heart, breaking it little by little, so during the last five years I started to retreat from people, myself, I would disappear and then reappear.  It was finally me allowing myself to be in the sadness, dissecting it, owning it, when you runaway from whatever emotions, they do not go away, you have to come up with a solution to the problem yourself, no one else can do it for you or be it for you. People/individuals will continue to spread their crap, ugliness, disrespect, around in the world , and it will come back over and over until they decide to make a change to see that change.